I’m sure you’ve all heard by now that God is angry with Cape Town, and it won’t rain until the Cape Tonians repent for their sins.

These are the ramblings of the famous evangelist and potato whisperer, Angus Buchan.

I’m not quite sure why he singled out the Western Province – we too have experienced two terrible years of drought on our farm in the Eastern Cape, but perhaps the particular demographic of Cape Town causes the Almighty to scoff with a bit more venom.

Those motherfucking gays and gang members have gone too far this time.

God, according to Angus Buchan

Sure, the water shortage is bad and people are suffering all over, but what is worse, it stands to negatively impact wine production in the region.

Stop fucking dudes and selling drugs, you dirty dirty bastards.

For the record – he didn’t actually say the gays of Cape Town have caused the water shortage. After all, he’s been praying for them for years, and I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but prayers can cure gayness.

Even as I write this, I sigh audibly. Henceforth, this post will refer to Angus Buchan as Absolute Boner.

I’m sure most people would suggest I need not fret over this. I’m neither a Cape Tonian, nor a Christian, nor a gang member, nor gay for that matter – notwithstanding some past inebriated man love limited to passionate kisses on the lips.

I have gone through a reasonable transformation with regards to my own views on religion. I was raised Christian right up to the point where I could choose for myself. This was followed by a few years of indifference, which later morphed into anger, resentment and ultimately contempt. I blamed religion, in addition to overpopulation, for most of what is wrong with the world.

In the last year or two I’ve undergone yet another mental shift. Instead of seeing religion as a force that abducts the minds of people, I came to understand it was ultimately born through man’s efforts at understanding the natural world and his place in it. Despite the many and often violent and divisive evolutions of religion, it never set out to be a malevolent fraud.

To its credit, religion has helped me a fair few times in my life. Well, actually Chris De Burgh did, specifically the time I plagiarised a few verses of his song, A Spaceman Came Travelling, in an essay in high school. Thankfully, Mr. Lenders was none the wiser, and I scored an A.


Then again, I’ve also had my fair share of stumbling blocks I’ve had to negotiate no thanks to religion. Have you ever tried to convince someone that dinosaurs aren’t made up? It’s a nightmare.

It’s also their loss, since dinosaurs are awesome.

I don’t live in South Africa anymore, but in all likelihood, one day, that’s exactly where I’ll be, along with my daughter – her formative years staring her in the face. I can not sit idly by as Absolute Boner embarks on the systematic raping of the minds of my future community and the rest of my family.

Most of said familia are devout Christians, and they are some of the kindest and loving and often brilliant people I know, and I wouldn’t dare interfere with their lives nor their beliefs. What I do take exception to though is the spreading of falsehood and ignorance, whether by the hands of the religious or not.

The most liberal among you might stringently adhere to the “to each his own” policy, but this doesn’t work for me when I’m faced with the reality that my daughter will be exposed to people of Boner’s persuasion and penchant for broadcasting their views to millions of vulnerable people.

Considering the amount of fear, guilt, self-loathing and self-hatred people deal with in their daily lives, Boner’s message graduates from being retarded to downright irresponsible. That people live with those things in the first place saddens me, and you can be sure the anxiety and ignorance just gets eternalised through their subscription to this brand of bullshit, which in the case of children is nothing short of abuse. People are actually killing themselves over this drought, and families are being torn apart.

He does his best to disguise his agenda with a laundry list of issues that every person would love to see eradicated. I’m not interested in debunking the power of prayer nor do I want to ridicule people that partake in his rallies. I merely have an issue with his particular view of cause and effect – falsely attributing “bad things” to God’s retribution. There is a hint of arrogance as well, and he almost insinuates: if you don’t attend my rally you don’t care about crime, hatred and the disrespecting of human lives. Rich coming from El Homophobe himself.

Calling for the Great Trek to Cape Town when it is being ravaged by severe water shortages is counter-intuitive at the very least, but one can not expect old Boner to have thunk about it that way.

In a bizarre twist, I find myself slightly relieved in the aftermath every time a believer declares his God to be a loving one, and not a vengeful twat with a temper issue and a few tricks up his sleeve. Good for you sirs and madams.

There’s a underlying tone of embarrassment in their rebuttals – he sure isn’t doing their brand any favours. I would place Boner in the same cesspool with those elected officials who remove funding from scientists and climate change proponents because the research isn’t reconcilable with their beliefs. Everyone is now dumber because of you.

I implore the people of South Africa who feel pressure to attend his mass prayer meetings to please not give him an audience. Don’t listen to him chunder his way through a self-righteous list of accusations, and for the love of Christ don’t buy his merchandise, unless it’s a shirt with an actual boner reference.

There will be another drought on the farm one day, and when my daughter asks around, I hope she’ll be met with:

Well, it’s an El Niño year – an irregular occurring and complex series of climatic changes characterised by, among others, droughts in certain parts of the world.

WHAT? No, of course it has nothing to do with touching yourself too often. Da fuck told you that? And where did you get that Boner shirt?


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